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I Have A Turtle

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

6:34PM - What the fuck?

I go to the store for like a fucking day and then I come back and there's a couple of weird shifty eyed elves in Rivendell. So I thought 'Oh, maybe I took a wrong turn or something.' Then I left.

The rest of my time was spent passed out, drunk in a ditch with a dress over my head. :D Good times, man. Good times.

Current mood: kind of confused

(color me pink)

Friday, July 4, 2003

12:37PM - I'm not even crying yet :D :D :D :D

Ducks.

There's an army of fucking ducks.

Glorfie has been naming every. single. last. one. of. them. And eating his cupcakes. Andronicus hasn't left his head in days and everytime Broosh enters the room he sends the Ducks after her. Zak is enjoying this all immensely. She keeps asking when Bela's going to die. I told her to get me an axe and we could speed it up. I was being sarcastic for once, but she actually went and got the axe. I've been leaving messages on Goldberry's machine. I wonder if she could hear me over the anguished cries of Bela. He's been puking the entire time and reading this retarded book of spells that he got at Borders for one dollar to put curses on Broosh.

Glorfie and Bela had a very affectionate moment. They actually switched hats and rocked back and forth in unison. Then Bela crawled away to cuddle with his chinchilla, Severus.

I've been making endless supplies of cupcakes and cooking Italian food for Arwen. Zak and I have been doing shots all morning and I'm not even buzzed. Neither is Zak. She called Not-My-Precious-Baby-Celebrian-But-An-Evil-Ugly-Child-Celebrian and invited her over. They're having a margarita party with Jeff the Flaming Maggot.

Why am I the sane one? Shouldn't I be off getting the latest unusal pet and clinging desperately to my Lysol?

I'd better get the mother of all make-up sex after this all blows over. >_____

(7 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Monday, June 30, 2003

1:59PM

Foof muffin and I, and our endless supply of children and pets are house sitting for Los Rondos. Bela blew up our house so, yeah, we need somewhere to stay where there aren't any ass grabbing bellboys or fat dudes ready to kill me for a soda.

Bela has been confined to a cage. How he keeps getting out, I don't fucking know! But it's pissing me off. I just cuffed him to the cage.

I also notcied him and Broosh got a lot bigger. Fucking Rivendell water.

Also. about the one couch. No disrespect to Elrond & Elrond, it may just be the freaks that recently vacated or the year old Cheetos and unidetifiable substance under the cushions but:

THIS COUCH SMELLS LIKE ASS!

This is going to take a lot of Lysol.

Current mood: cleany

(12 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

3:25PM - *grumble*

Bah..right, me too.Collapse )

Current mood: bribed

(9 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Monday, May 26, 2003

11:54PM

You wanna know about my life? No? TOO BAD! I am updating anyway!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do you want to know what I've been doing? NOTHING! Not a damn thing BECAUSE Glorfie has been called by the evil demon Dorys who WILL. NOT. DIE. And has been gone for days.

I am alone, Glorfieless, Finduilasless, but hey I have FIVE children to look after. Skghghjgkfjghfjghfjgh.

Zak drank all of my Jack Daniels when that Celebriclone came over. The little brat gave me Elrond/Elrond porn images which disturbed the FUCK out of me. I so do not want to see my sons-in-law that way. Ew, I think Arwen died, she hasn't updated in awhile. Erestor...wait, I never gave a fuck about Erestor, he always ruined my fun over at Los Dos Rondos. FINE! Elroffuckface never updates either. I am in a state of panic! And boredom. Did I mention boredom?

And when was the last time Eomer's quote page was updated?

Didn't we go through this shit last summer? Why are you people getting lives?

My ears also feel kind of dirty.

I'm going to go bury myself in the backyard.

Current mood: bored/crazed

(13 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Thursday, May 15, 2003

4:26PM - I NEED BOOZE!!!!!!

Glorfie, how soon can the little fuck LEAVE???

I am such a bad parent, my poor little snookums didn't get her Spaghettios, Bruschetta thinks we hate her and the twins keep giving me looks of disdain everytime I pass them >___< The goblins won't even let me touch them anymore because THAT BASTARD KILLED ARMANI!!!! ;_______;

I've failed as, um, everything damnit!!!!!! I'm locking myself in the bathroom as soon as I'm done making dinner.

;___________________;

Current mood: jhdjfhdjghfghjFUCKYOUjfkdf

(10 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

10:31AM - Er, Glorfie....

Are you trying to tell me something by not putting me back in my sexy man body???

I'd like to be a man again before very feminine things continue to happen >____

Current mood: bitchy

(16 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Sunday, May 11, 2003

11:24PM - MUMMY!!!

Since I don't have an image hosting resource right now, I can not give you pictures of the things that I have gotten.

For my living Mummy, I got:

- many many explosives
- a cigarette case
- assorted liquors and chocolates (minus anything in the nut family)

For my dead Mummy:

-a picture of Daddy decapitated
-a T-shirt that says 'I'm dead and all I got was this lousy t-shirt'
- and a snow globe

(7 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Wednesday, May 7, 2003

11:00PM - I am neverevereverever asking for more children

Wellllll, um, I cleaned Denethor's house finally. Buzz ate all the vomit, thank Eru, I so did not feel up to cleaning all that shit up. So, Denny's house is all nice and fluffy for now :)The place was kinda dark and gloomy so I added a tad bit of color :)

I am still sick. But not so sick to not get stoned :) I am getting stoned because I had children. Yes. It is ok for me to get stoned and drunk and almost drown in my own vomit because I GAVE NATURAL FUCKING BIRTH TO TWO FUCKING BIG HEADED WHINEY ASS POOPING PISSING CHILDREN THINGS!!!!!! This is how I am dealing :)

My favorite little Arweykins is coming over. We're going to hang out in my nifty psychadelic basement with Morgoth and Ingwe. Maybe even Florence if he's up for another basement session :D

We're also going to be making water balloons out of condoms. I'm thinking of filling mine with vomit and throwing them at whoever pisses me off. Like Dorys, maybe.

Oh, yeah, before I forget. Glorfie, the kids kind of grew out of their cribs already :) Ta ta, getting stoned now.

(15 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

8:55PM

The babies are finally fucking out of me. Thank Eru. I've named the girl Bruschetta Caratima Stardust and the boy is Bela Lugosi Dellamorte Stardust :)

Now, if you'll excuse me I'll be passed out. My head's been spinning all day. I thought maybe it was because I didn't eat anything but smelling food makes me want to vomit. I am in deep fucking pain and would gladly accept any morphine donations at this time.

(5 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Sunday, April 27, 2003

11:20AM - Damn fatness >_

You know, maternity clothes are just ugly. So I went to visit Claude, who is very disgusted by my woman body, to ask for help in finding nice maternity clothing. The fucker didn't want to go shopping with me so he phoned his brother, Jean.

Jean is very friendly. A little too friendly. But as long as you let him cling to you he's..uh.. ok. Anyway, he scared off a few orcs that were hitting on me.

He helped me carry my bags home and started hitting on Glorfie. Like I said Jean is pretty harmless if you let him cling to you a bit. This frightened Glorfie and he locked himself in his office with the twins armed with their identical toy dinosaurs. The boys threw it at my goblins once and gave all three a fucking concussion.

Zak hung around with me asking why I was getting so fat, kicked Jean until he cried and scampered off to play PS2 with Melkor.

I went in my room to change into my nice new maternity clothes just to find out, my fucking stomach has gotten larger. >_< What the fuck is with these babies? I'm not eating anymore.

Current mood: annoyed

(color me pink)

Thursday, April 24, 2003

10:47PM - fucking fkjdkkdgfj ow

Good Things About Being A Woman:

-I'm pretty.
-The sparkly stillettos are much nicer on this body.
-People pay attention to me when I go places.

Bad Things About Being A Woman:

-I have tits.
-Groping ensues more often.
-Sex as a woman, really fucking hurts. Damnit. Someone needs to fucking ice my thighs. >____

Current mood: in pain

(20 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Saturday, April 19, 2003

10:32PM - Fucking fuck...hot damn I'm HOT!!!

Throwing the whole HARDCOVER series of the Vampire Chronicles and not missing your Maia husband's head is very very WRONG!!!! In a rare moment in our marriage Glorfie has decided to be a vengeful bitch and use his Maia power crap to MAKE ME GO THROUGH NATURAL BIRTH!

However, from here on out, I will not say a mean thing about Foof Muffin because at least he had the decency to turn me into a woman instead of doing unnatural natural man-birth. Ewwww.. >_<

That fucker.

CLAUDE, BUY ME SOME STILETTOS!!!! My feet grew a tad bit smaller, the old ones won't fit.

Current mood: like a fucking woman

(44 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

7:39PM - Arwen is so pretty she gave me Doritos :D

Zak has been mourning Celebrian by playing Playstation all morning and then terrorizing the boys. Absinthe and Kubrick retaliated by shoving Smilies into her face and my hair. >_< The kid in my stomach keeps kicking and demanding food. I practically ate us out of a house.

I was fed up and about to move in with Claude but I realized, Claude is still camped out in the backyard in his My Little Pony tent. He's like that ghost that stalked that family in California. So, instead of moving in his non-air conditioned tent I told him to come in here and give me ice cream, massage my feet, wash my hair, freshen the air by spraying this nice apple spray I got, rotate my videos, tell me how lovely I am all fat and bloaty, feed my pets and perform various other things since I can barely get off the couch. I'm beginning to think Glorfie impregnated me with a Hippo. :/

Claude and I are going to work out to this pregnant Denise Austin tape now. :D

(color me pink)

Sunday, April 13, 2003

10:59PM

The thing I forgot about being pregnant was the excessive gas and fatness. :( But whatever, yay, I'm pregnant :D :D :D Now, Glorfie's mommy and daddy can finally take him to Goldberry and he can be sane again :D :D :D Nifty.

Today I watched the whole fourth season of Xena. :D I also stole Zak's Cheetos :( :( I couldn't help it. I was hungry. And I so wasn't going to dig into my stash of junk in the basement.

Glorfie's Daddy is really cool :D :D He is very very special :D

I miss Finduilas :(

Damn, I really smell bad :/ I'll just blame it on the goblins. :D :D :D

Ooh, muffins :D :D

(5 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

11:44PM - >:(

GLORFIE!!!

You have like 24 hours to respond to my baby plea (still necessary in order to be happy and sane)or else I'll open the Galadriel bottle and make them kill me. >_<

I am so serious. You have no idea.

Ok, so, seriously, tell me... what is shakin' and bakin' here, foof muffin???? >:(

Current mood: tired of waiting damnit

(26 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Monday, April 7, 2003

11:10PM

Gloooooooooorfie....

I am so completely sorry for everything that happened while I ..uh.... wasn't myself. ;_________; Also, I am so so horrified/shocked/appalled by it all. I think I'm going to have a mental breakdown. Yes, my pulse.... racing....I'm beginning to feel nauseous and faint....

think of all the anti-depressants I'll be on. All the cleaning I'll neglect ;______; Your poor hat will get dusty ..... this can not be. Plus, I have to fucking remember that haircut.

The only thing that would make me super happy again is....


a baby! :D

Please, Glorfie? My sanity and happiness depends on this.

(8 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Saturday, April 5, 2003

8:30PM - YOU WILL NOT GIVE ME TITS FOUL DEMON WOMEN!

I WILL KILL MYSELF! I SWEAR IT! YOU EVIL BITCHES WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!


Seriously, I'm not fucking wearing that. Hot pink clashes with my eyes.

(33 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Monday, March 31, 2003

9:11PM - Ok, it is time we pull together as a family..

I am shocked, appalled and completely disgusted with the lack of love shown to our baby Arwen. ;______; She is like the most gorgeous member of our family, besides myself and my immediate offspring.

INCEST IS NOT WRONG! INCEST IS JUST A WAY OF KEEPING OUR FAMILY CLOSER TOGETHER! Who CARES if we're all fucking each other? It's just a simple act of love! Love is the most splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all we need is lo-um, I have the feeling I made this speech before. Aha, I'm so shagadelic.

Anyway, let her have her Elrobeth and eat it too.

Love and kisses,
the most sensual member of this family

P.S.- Someone please get me away from all these blonde women chanting around a vat of boiling fat.

Current mood: accomplished and grandfatherly

(33 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

Sunday, March 30, 2003

4:05PM - Wow wow wow! My house is pink and stuff :D :D

I had the oddest day! Really! I remember having nice long hair and I walked into this bedroom where my wife was waiting for me with the witch clone. They hit me over the head with a shoe and forced me to drink pink fizzy stuff.

Silly little ladies, they should know better than to have to force me to drink Shirley Temples XD

Anyway, then, my wife took ME out on a fantastic night in the town and bought me some new clothes and things. Then she spiffed up our awesome apartment and put the fuzzy cuff on me as we tested out our brand new Hello Kitty bed.

I would chat more, but I'm supposed to be having Manhattans with the girls and modeling lingere for my darling little wifey poo. Ciao!

(75 angrily eviscerated | color me pink)

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